Personal Development

Buffer, Shock, and the Many “I’s”: My Journey Toward Personal Development

Personal development, to me, means putting self-awareness into action. It’s not just about understanding emotional intelligence, clearly defined values, or learning how to hold space — it’s about being honest with yourself when you fail to live up to those ideals. That honesty has changed my life.

The Fear of Failure and the Illusion of Perfection

For much of my life, I was terrified of failure. I wanted to be the best, and I would do almost anything to get there — including cheating and lying. I worked hard, studied intensely, and still felt the pressure to be perfect. But underneath that drive was something much harder to face: I was constantly lying to myself and others.

That’s a tough sentence to write. To admit to being a liar and a cheat is gut-wrenching. It feels like the kind of thing that would destroy your credibility. But oddly enough, telling the truth about it is what began to set me free.

Who Is the “I” in Your Head?

A partner helped open my eyes to a deeper concept: inside our thoughts — our open “tabs” — we have many different versions of ourselves. Different "I’s" show up to speak, act, or react. Shame, pride, fear — each has its own voice, its own agenda.

This isn’t a clinical diagnosis. It’s a reflection of how complex we are. We all contradict ourselves. I might think, I want to lose weight, even as I walk to the freezer for ice cream. Which “I” is in control? Why is one tab overriding the other?

These were questions I had to start asking. And they led me to some uncomfortable but liberating truths.

The Myth of Perfection

To understand why I chased perfection, I started by looking up its definition: The quality of being as free as possible from all flaws or defects. That’s where I found the contradiction. Freedom, for me, meant releasing the unrealistic belief that I could be flawless.

I was chasing something unattainable — and hurting myself in the process. I was letting shame and fear dictate my actions. I was clinging to false identities. It wasn’t until I acknowledged my flaws that I began to shed the layers of self-deception and step into who I truly am.

Identifying False "I’s"

I realized I’d developed certain personas that weren’t aligned with my values. The liar. The perfectionist. The one who avoided vulnerability. These identities were no longer serving me — they were buffering me from my own growth.

So I started the work of recognizing and releasing them. When one of those false "I’s" popped up, I could say: That’s not me anymore. Slowly, my thoughts — my tabs — began to align with the real me, the one rooted in honesty, humility, and growth.

Buffers and Shocks: Interrupting the Loop

What kept those false identities alive for so long? Buffers. Mental and emotional habits that blocked me from clarity. Thoughts like “this is too hard” or “I’ll deal with it later.” Even cannabis became a buffer — something I used to avoid facing challenges directly.

The change came with a shock. My mental health coach asked me one simple question: Why do you smoke? I had no good answer. That one question opened a tab I couldn’t ignore. It pushed me into reflection — and ultimately into sobriety. And from that clarity came real transformation.

The Cell Phone and Social Media Buffer

Another major buffer? My phone.

Social media, email, endless scrolling — they were numbing my self-awareness. The ghost vibrations in my pocket weren’t just weird; they were proof of a deep, unconscious pattern.

One shock came from a friend’s social media bio: "If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph." That hit me hard. Most of my photos were of me, alone, doing adventurous things. What was I really afraid of losing?

Another shock came through my value of Contribution. I realized I was using social media to show off — not to connect or contribute. That realization led me to create this blog and shift how I use technology. I unfollowed content that fed false “I’s” and leaned into voices that align with my values.

Turning Buffers into Tools for Growth

I’m sharing this journey not to point fingers, but to spark conversation. We all have buffers. We all have multiple “I’s” inside us. And we all have the power to face them — to shock ourselves out of complacency and into growth.

So here’s a challenge:

  • Write down three buffers that are holding you back.

  • Identify which version of "you" is relying on them.

  • Find a shock — an intentional action, question, or reflection — that can disrupt the pattern.

Then, take the first step. Close the tab that no longer serves you. Reclaim the “I” that aligns with your values.

You’ll be amazed at what can happen when your inner selves stop fighting — and start working together.

-HWE