Developing Empathy

 

Developing Empathy: Learning to See Beyond Myself

Empathy has been a hard lesson for me to comprehend. My struggle lies in my own selfishness — my tendency to make things about myself. This habit has kept me trapped in patterns that continue to cause pain, not just for me, but for those around me. It’s not that I don’t care about others — it’s that I’ve often struggled to relate. To put myself in someone else’s emotional shoes has felt foreign.

A Moment That Changed Everything

A powerful and painful example of this came from a recent traumatic event involving my partner. A friend of hers had gone missing, and rumors were circulating online that she might have been kidnapped. The news was triggering for my partner, especially after the recent media coverage of Gabby Petito. Meanwhile, I was focused on my work schedule for the next day. I heard the story and thought, "That's unfortunate" — and moved on.

I was emotionally unavailable that night. I came home, said nothing, went to bed, and didn’t even say goodnight. The next day, the energy was heavy. Something was clearly wrong. But I was too wrapped up in my own head to notice the emotional storm that was about to hit.

Later that day, my partner learned that her friend had passed away. She broke down. She was in pain — crying, grieving, angry. And I? I stood there, numb, thinking about facts, logic, and my stomach growling. I didn’t know the friend. I couldn’t feel what she felt. And I didn’t want to. I literally started watering houseplants — a familiar buffer I use to avoid discomfort — instead of being present for her.

What she needed was simple: someone to hold her, listen without fixing, and sit in the pain with her. But I couldn’t do it. I made it about me. I pointed out how the facts weren’t confirmed. I said I was hungry. She shifted from mourning to frustration — at me. And once I felt attacked, I flipped. I spiraled. I wanted to run. Another relationship on the verge of collapse because I didn’t know how to hold space for someone else's pain.

The Reflection That Led to Change

The next day, we were both distant. My partner was consumed by grief. I was consumed by confusion and defensiveness. I began planning my exit. Calling friends. Looking for places to stay. Cancelling plans. I was emotionally checked out.

Then something shifted.

I took our laundry to the laundromat and brought a notebook with me. I needed to get clarity. I started writing:

  • What do I owe her in this situation?

  • What does being a good partner actually look like?

  • Why am I reacting this way?

I called friends, family, and my coach. Every conversation brought clarity. Everyone echoed the same message: You missed the point. You lacked empathy.

That hit hard.

With pen in hand, I started to write my way into empathy. I imagined the situation reversed. If I had lost a friend and she had responded the way I did, how would I feel? Suddenly, it wasn’t just a thought experiment. It was a real emotional connection. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel it. The pain. The betrayal. The loneliness.

The Turning Point

Empathy began to form. It wasn’t just a concept — it was a felt experience. I wrote down what I owed her, what I owed myself, and why I still wanted to be with her. When I returned home, I was able to talk — not from a place of logic or defense, but from presence and care. I apologized. I held space. And we began to rebuild.

Practicing What I Preach

Looking back, this was a moment that required everything I wrote about in my article on holding space. I needed to be present, transparent, and emotionally open. I needed to step away from intellectualizing and move into feeling — into heart and gut.

Empathy isn’t about understanding facts. It’s about imagining how something would feel if it were happening to you. It’s about repeating the words you’ve said and imagining what it would feel like to hear them. That shift changed everything for me.

A Suggestion for You

If you’re reading this and find yourself in a similar struggle, here’s a suggestion:

  • When conflict arises, take a step back.

  • Write it down.

  • Play it back as if you were the other person.

  • Imagine what it feels like to be them.

Not in your head. In your heart. In your gut.

That’s where empathy lives. It’s a skill. One you can learn. I’m still learning it every day. But I’ve started, and that’s what matters.

The roughest neighborhood in the world is your own mind. It takes patience, honesty, and love to navigate it. But it’s worth the journey.

-HWE