Emotional Intelligence

The Heart of Awareness: My Journey into Emotional Intelligence

I’ll be completely honest: for a long time, I had very little to no emotional intelligence. Not only did I not understand the concept—I had never even heard of it. It was never discussed in my traditional schooling, from middle school all the way through college. It didn’t come up in my family or my social circles, either.

The concept of emotional intelligence only began to emerge in my life after I defined my personal values. You can click here to read about my values journey. Once I began living in alignment with those values, I started to develop a small amount of emotional intelligence. That journey is what I want to share with you now.

Understanding the Concept

In the beginning, emotional intelligence was a vague mix of definitions I had pulled from the internet. It meant being self-reflective—about my thoughts, emotions, decisions, and behaviors—by learning to control my feelings and overcome my weaknesses. It included developing character, temperament, and listening skills; deciphering emotional cues; handling adversity; and building empathy.

Wow—that’s a lot to unpack.

First of all, I wasn’t even expressing real emotions in my life. Like many men, I had been suppressing them for decades. I wasn’t in control of my thoughts or decisions, and my behaviors reflected that. I thought I had no weaknesses (because I was "perfect," right?) and I didn’t care about emotional cues. Emotions were a weakness—something to be avoided. Empathy wasn’t even on my radar.

I had a lot of work to do—not just to understand emotional intelligence but to create real, actionable change. With the help of my mental health coach, I began breaking things down.

The Power of Self-Reflection

Self-reflection requires a willingness to admit that your thought patterns need editing. Stepping outside myself, I began to see that I was more than just a shell of a man. I didn’t want to continue being someone I didn’t like.

Thanks to my values journey, I had already begun to understand the energy I was emitting. But now I realized I needed to take action. Up until then, I had let my thoughts control my actions—not my heart or soul. I used to think ideas like that were too "woo-woo" for me. I rejected the notion that something more than just logic and thought could guide our lives.

Then I discovered the truth: we can control the thoughts in our heads. Speaking them out loud, I realized that the mind is a powerful tool—and if used incorrectly, it can also be harmful.

Try this: write down three thoughts that are currently running through your mind. It’s shocking how many "tabs" we have open at any given moment. Through breathwork and coaching, I learned that self-reflection is the key to recognizing patterns. And if we practice, we can edit those patterns. We can stop spinning stories that are counterproductive.

Facing the Hardest Challenge: Emotions

Once I learned I could edit the mental "computer" in my head, I tackled the hardest part for me—emotions and feelings.

Everyone’s upbringing shapes how they handle emotions. I had suppressed mine for decades because I believed emotions were a weakness. But when I asked myself “Why?”—I opened Pandora’s box.

My father, an ER doctor, had done the same thing. He couldn’t bring emotions home from a job filled with pain, death, and trauma. He suggested that I focus on working hard, getting good grades, and studying—because that’s what helped him succeed. His intentions were good. In his line of work, emotions could be dangerous. But I’m not an ER doctor.

I followed his advice, got good grades, and yet still felt unfulfilled. Suppressing my emotions in the name of strength wasn’t helping me. It was hurting me. I needed to dive deep into emotions and feelings to understand who I really was.

Emotions vs. Feelings

Here’s something I didn’t know before:
Emotions happen in the body. Feelings happen in the mind.

Emotions are physical and can be observed. Feelings are mental interpretations of those emotions. Emotions cause feelings.

Looking in the mirror, I could see the unprocessed emotions on my face. My mind kept saying, “Everything’s fine. Don’t worry.” But my body said otherwise.

At one point, I used to proudly tell partners, “I don’t have emotions.” Then a partner kindly pointed out, “Frustration and anger are emotions!” Who knew?

Learning to Sit in Emotion

My next step was to sit in the emotion. When I felt angry, I’d allow myself to experience it. I didn’t immediately jump to analyzing it. I worked on breathing. I felt it. I sat in it.

Previously, I would have suppressed the emotion and stored it away in my mental “Do Not Open” folder. I’d say, “I’m not angry, everything’s fine,” and move on.

Now, I allow myself to be ok with being angry. I ask myself why. I recognize the feeling and express it—out loud or in writing. I use words to describe what I’m thinking and feeling. I give myself time to process. I remind myself that energy is finite, and emotional processing takes time.

Can I use my value of growth to grow from this experience? Absolutely. Adversity can bring perspective and build resilience. This shift was a game-changer. I now had an actionable plan to understand, express, and grow from my emotions and feelings. It felt like a breath of fresh air.

Building Empathy: Listening, Reading, and Writing

With my new tools in place, I still lacked empathy and listening skills. (You can read my journey about holding space and listening here.) Listening is a skill I had to develop, and it became the backbone of my empathy.

I began reading again—it had been years since I’d picked up a book. Reading helped me close those open tabs in my brain. It slowed me down and deepened my thinking.

Next, I started writing. I used to think journaling was something I’d never do. Now, I write about anything—emotional intelligence, negotiation, snowmobiling. It doesn’t have to follow a structure. During arguments with a partner, I’ll even write down what they’re saying so I can process it better. (Of course, ask first!)

Just a paragraph a day has helped me process so much. And the more I read and write, the more empathy I develop. I began calling old friends just to listen. Turns out, a lot of people are in pain—they’re just not showing it. If you ask the right questions, you can move past small talk and into real connection.

Travel: Practicing Hope and Perspective

A partner introduced me to the final piece—travel. I live in Jackson, Wyoming, one of the most beautiful places in the country, and I used to dread leaving the “hole.” I’d worry about flights, delays, and cities I didn’t want to visit.

I wasn’t living in my value of hope. I always anticipated the worst.

But when I allowed myself to just go, everything changed. Hope replaced fear. Flexibility replaced resistance.

My trip to Belize was eye-opening. I explored Mayan ruins and relaxed on Caribbean beaches, but what stood out most were the people—happy, grounded, and full of life.

As a real estate enthusiast, I noticed many homes were concrete block structures, partially completed. I asked a local guide why. He explained that Belizeans often build homes block by block, as they save the money—because loans aren’t affordable or accessible.

I felt a bit ashamed for asking such a naïve question. But his kindness reminded me: not everyone lives within the same systems. That moment deepened my empathy.

People in Belize seemed less stressed, more free, and less worried about "keeping up with the Joneses." They were building lives slowly—but intentionally.

The Ongoing Journey

All humans are a work in progress. We are learning, growing, and evolving. Self-reflection is the key to insight.

Please—give yourself just five minutes a day. Sit with yourself. Listen with your heart and soul. Close some tabs in your brain. Take a few deep breaths. Grab a book or a pen and paper. Let yourself process.

It’s made all the difference in the world for me—and I believe it can for you, too.

-HWE