Holding Space


 

The Life-Changing Power of Listening with Presence

Active listening has changed my life. But before I could truly hold space for others, I had to learn how to hold space for myself.

What Does It Mean to "Hold Space"?

Holding space is the act of being fully present — with no agenda, no judgment, and no desire to fix or control. It begins within. You cannot show up authentically for someone else if you haven’t first practiced showing up for yourself.

Before a conversation, I now ask myself: Can I be present? Am I here, now? If not, I pause and reset.

Step One: Holding Space for Yourself

To hold space internally, I begin with what I call "vertical presence."

Vertical presence is about being in the now — not pulled forward into the future or dragged back into the past. It's not horizontal thinking. It’s rooted, grounded awareness.

How do I get there? Breathwork.

I sit with myself and focus on closing all the mental "tabs" I have open. Thoughts about the next meeting, yesterday’s mistakes, or dinner plans — I gently acknowledge them and let them go.

Then, I breathe:

  • Inhale through the nose.

  • Feel the lungs fill.

  • Pause at the top.

  • Exhale through the mouth.

Five slow, intentional breaths. That’s it. From that space of thoughtlessness, presence arises.

The Mistake I Didn’t Know I Was Making

In past conversations, I thought I was listening. I wasn’t.

I was scanning for the perfect response. I was preparing my defense. I was drifting off, thinking about snowmobiles. I wasn’t making eye contact. I wasn’t in my body. I wasn’t really there.

One day, a partner asked me to repeat what she had just said. I couldn’t. I had heard the words, but I wasn’t listening. I was taking what she said as an attack, instead of hearing her experience.

That was a wake-up call.

From Mental Fixer to Present Witness

I used to treat every conversation like a problem to solve. My brain was in charge — analyzing, diagnosing, and offering solutions.

But that’s not what people need.

As my friend David Warren once told me, "No one wants to open up to you hoping you’re going to fix them. They want someone to truly listen as they release."

Listening is not about fixing. It’s about presence.

Heart, Soul, and Mind: A New Way to Process

For most of my life, my brain was the only thing allowed to process thoughts. But my partners taught me that their heart often led the way — not logic. That seemed irrational to me at first.

Then I realized: it’s not irrational. It’s human.

So I created a new process. When a thought or conversation comes in, I let it pass through:

  • My gut (my instinct)

  • My heart (my empathy)

  • Then my brain (my logic)

Once I get to my brain, I write it down before overthinking can override my other senses. This internal practice helps me meet people where they are — even if they’re coming from a place I used to dismiss.

How to Truly Listen

To hold space for others:

  • Be present. Close your own mental tabs.

  • Make it about them. Don’t take sides. Don’t take blame. Don’t make it about you.

  • Be aware of body language. Make eye contact. Sit with intention. Be open.

  • Don’t fix. Don’t judge. Just listen.

Attention is value. Your presence is your gift.

It's Okay to Be Late to the Party

For a long time, I didn’t know what it meant to listen. I wasn’t aware that people processed information differently than I did. But it’s never too late to learn.

By learning to hold space — first for myself, then for others — I’ve opened the door to deeper connection, greater empathy, and a more peaceful presence.

Final Thought

If you take one thing away from this, let it be this:

Work on yourself before working on others.

It’s not easy. You’ll fail. I still do. But every breath, every moment of stillness, is an opportunity to reset — and to truly hear the people around you.

Give yourself permission to listen differently. It might just change your life.

-HWE